Psalm 27:10

*triggers* Take care of yourself!

This is Gods word.
This is His truth and this is my reality.
Even before I was born God provided thru his word a promise that He would take care of me His child.
I was born by 60’s terminology a bastard. I was born as a result of a generational curse. Woman needs love, finds man, child is produced …. now what? My parents got together one day.. no plans …just a moment of attraction …each of them with a different agenda: My mother wanted love, my dad wanted sex.. sound familiar? A little over a year after I was born these two strangers married. They couldn’t have been more different.
My mother was born & raised in poverty. Left by her mother, in the care of an aunt who already had 9 other mouths to feed. Her father – a rolling stone. My mother picked cotton as a child and used an out house for most of her youth. Her family was broken and her up bringing broke her.
My father came from a middle class family. Close knit. His father died when he was four but he was raised in an environment that included his mother, her family and his fathers family. He had indoor plumbing and electric all his life Because of his families closeness he was raised in love.

My parents start in life couldn’t have been more different. The only thing they seem to have in common was they both were considered physically attractive individuals.

I was the reason they married. I was the bargaining chip. My mother threatened to keep me from my father if he didn’t marry her. She wanted to be loved by a man and thought I would be the ticket to get that and he, just wanted his daughter.

Needless to say they didn’t know each other enough to be married much less have a child together.

To make my father love my mother: Huge responsibility for a child. I failed at
that from the moment I took my first breath.
A child is to be given love, not expected to produce it, and especially help to manipulate it from another human being. Mothers brokenness of her childhood reared its ugly head early on. She was the sweetest person to everyone else but when her and I was alone, which was often as she was a stay at home mother… she did everything she could
to make me pay for the fact that my father didn’t love her, and even worse, he loved me. Emotional, physical and mental abuse
all were her specialty but what she was best at? Convincing me that I was worthless. The beatings were horrific, leaving marks and trails of blood. The words she spat at me and the mental games she played are inconceivable, even now. Where was my dad? Working. Why didn’t I say anything to him… ? she convinced me that I was evil, and it’s bad enough to have one parent believe that, than to have two. So I helped her hide the abuse. I spent my first 20 years in unspeakable fear, horrific emotional brokenness and mental anguish.
Before you think that oh this was just discipline and that’s how they did things then .. discipline is to correct a bad behavior.. my mother told me often verbally that the reason she was beating me was because I was born. Yep I was born that was my bad behavior.

I would later learn that she learned how to torture me because that’s how she was tortured as a child.

Nothing is sadder than a child not wanted by the very person who gave birth to her.
I was broken, no self esteem, no pride, no self worth and I hated my own existence.

Oh but God would provide …
As a young child my mother
became friends with a women who had three children. They became close and I was permitted to visit them sometimes. While my family appeared on the outside to be perfect. This woman’s life showed the struggles of monetary deficiency but she had an abundance of love and joy for her children. I wished she was my mom. Years into my adulthood I would learn she was the person who made the call to child services to save me and my brother from my mother… though the call came in my high school years … at least it came. This woman Mom S, was hand picked By God to be the mom I needed as an adult. She has always been a Godly women and thru my adult years, especially after my mother and I became estranged she has been more than a mother to me, giving me advice, showing me by example and praying for me and loving me as a daughter.
I realize my birth mother spent her entire life wanting love and punishing me because she didn’t get it. She couldn’t give me what she didn’t have.
My birth mother and I are still estranged though I went a few years ago to her doorstep offering to help her as she is becoming fragile and forgetful in her aging. She denied me and put me out. I forgive her for all she has done and I know that she was broken long before I was born. I went to see her because of the love of Mom S. I tell people about my Mom S. because if it hadn’t been for her placement in my life I would be lost in the ways of mothering. She taught me how to mother my children that didn’t include beatings and verbal assaults. She taught me to be able to see my children as people, as a gift from God. She taught me about love of a mother. She mothered my heart.

As an adult I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and PTSD. All a direct result of my childhood. I’m ok with the diagnosis as it says I am not crazy, my experiences as a child created this and I survived. My diagnosis validates my childhood experiences.

I was broken and needed help to get my life back together. I am a high functioning person who learned early on to appear to the world I’m fine even though I was dying inside.

I lived with depression, anxiety for years. After my father died I continued to try and hang on. Three children, a divorce, no family….I finally broke. No one knew but I started believing death was a better solution than life… that’s when I opened up the phone book and picked out a therapist. Yes I went to see shrink. I had much inside me that I needed to get out.

My therapist, the first one I picked turned out to be what I can only describe as my mother who helped my mind. She helped me put my mental state back together.
Where I couldn’t look in the mirror as a child and see me… I can now look in the mirror and see me in all the beauty that God designed. I no longer hear my mothers words of hate… through therapy I now hear a different voice of love… my own!
My therapist was with me for over 15 years. I opened up to her in ways that I couldn’t even open up to myself about my experiences as a child. She mothered my mind.

I don’t look like what I’ve been through and I thank God for that!

In closing there are four things that this part of my life represents:

God provides! Everything you need will be provided for you. It may not come wrapped the way you think it should be but it will show up and be just what you needed perfect in every way- and in time!

Second: we as women need to lead the way on making having a child a choice not an oops. We can never be 100% prepared for parenthood. But if we plan and decide when and with who we wish to create a child with – we can change the out come of the future and the quality of life for our future.

Third there is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist or a phycologist. But you need to find someone you connect with and can trust. There is NO Shame in saying I need help!

Last but most important… God wanted you here! You are not a mistake I promise. No matter what you’ve been told God wanted you here and I’m glad you are here! Even when your parents forsake you… GODs got you!

Much love

If you can relate or want to connect about your experience… leave a comment. I look forward to communicating with you… ❤️