Here’s the deal … I’m strong! Stronger than many. Not physically, but I push my emotional limits to great lengths as well as my physical limits.
I’m not some Wonder Woman, in fact in reality, it’s just the opposite. I’ll take on more than I can because, I don’t know at what level it’s appropriate to say I need help, or I’m tired or I need a break or I just need an ear or a shoulder or assistance.
Because of the abuse as a child, I learned early on to push my endurance. In aspects of my being: I learned to push my needs down and not acknowledge or admit I had them. When I thought I could take no more abuse… I would find strength to step up to the house again.. unlock the door and enter my terror. I had to handle it… why? Cause that’s just the way it was. I learned early to push the pain aside. When it felt like to much… push it aside some more. Problem with this is, I now don’t know what level is ok to speak up. So if I fall and scrape my knee is that appropriate to say to someone “ouch that hurt” or is it more understood and acceptable if I had major surgery and afterwards I’m in pain … is it ok to say then that it hurts? I don’t know. If I’m having a bad day at work, is it ok to express that when I get home? Is it right to expect someone to comfort me, or am I just complaining … in reality, someone out there has it worse I’m sure. So what right do I have to complain about anything….??
I tend to pile a lot on over a period of time… stresses of life: house issues, bills, work, children, personal pains, exhaustion, not feeling well, dog responsibilities, car issues … all on my own! I have no one that’s got my back. Gods got it! I’m grateful! Thankful! I love that God loves me enough to have my back! This confession is not about my relationship with God. It’s about how strong I am while at the same time wishing there was an appropriate time, place, moment where I knew that someone else could step in and allow me relief from the mass of weight that my responsibilities put on me. Allow me just a moment to see that someone’s there someone who gets me and supports a moment of much needed relief.
I’m babbling … let me try to explain it this way…. the following is an example but I’m sure there have been weeks in my life where this was a reality:
Sunday: At work by 7am, people call out so I’m filling in in other jobs and still have to do my own. Lunch ain’t happening today and there is time sensitive reports due. I’ve had to pee but put that off because customers come first or someone needs something that doesn’t seem to be able to wait. Go thru the day maintaining my cherub like demeanor. Just for the record I’m like a Duracell battery when it comes to being around people … it’s draining and I must recharge. If I start a day without the right amount of “recharge” well, the struggles are seemingly 10 times worse.
Ok, so work day over! I’m starving. Idea 💡 make a sandwich with the lunch meat i bought on Saturday with cheese and red peppers etc… mmmm. On the way home, notice I need to get gas… but I’m hungry and tired. Decisions! If I get gas now, then if for some reason I’m running late in the morning, this won’t be a stop I have to make. So stop to fill up. Arrive home: trash can needs emptying, dog needs to be walked and the floor needs a sweeping. IM HUNGRY! Ok, prioritize…. dog gets walked. Hope he’s ready to go, and doesn’t want to smell every spot twice before the 30 pace dance he does just to poop. Grab dog, leash and poop bag… back out the door … and we are walking… oops mail. When was the last time I picked it up?🤔… I can’t remember 😳…. ok walk to the mail box, get mail… it’s been sometime since I picked this up… there’s no way ALL this was delivered today. Mail under my arm, leash in hand and empty poop bag in my pocket…. my thoughts are hurry up! Please let there be no bills in this pile of mail. I wanna get out of my work clothes… I envision myself making a sandwich. I look at the dog who is still looking for the “perfect” spot to poop! Like seriously. Ok …good …now he’s pacing… it should be soon…. my thoughts start
to drift off … today .. I forgot to do a, b, c at work … need to do that tomorrow. Uh, tomorrow have to be in early again. This means I have to eat quick and go right to bed … I need my sleep, remember I have to recharge. Back to reality … oh I think he pooped, wait where did he start…. when did he start. Got to pick it up don’t need the neighbors complaining … ok got it… now let’s dump the bag and rush home… I’m hungry.
Get home, put away leash … I’ve lost it before in the house so I always make sure I put it back in the same spot. Trash needs to be taken out. Let’s look at the mail: Electric bill, cable bill and a letter from the rental office: read the rental office letter first…nothing important. Electric bill next – bill is higher this month.. exhale… it’s hot out … need to run the air at night… knew the bill was going up, but this much😳? Cable bill… omg… I’m paying this much for tv and I’m never here to watch it… collect the bills, head to my room. Now begins the process of removing the days dirt, make up and putting on relaxing clothes. Contacts get removed… then I realize … trash still needs to go out …
Ugggg I’m still hungry but this trash is getting on my nerves… I don’t want the neighbors to see me in my relaxation clothes as I’m not wearing a bra, the clothes are dumpy looking, my hair is wrapped up and I have zero make up on with pounds of moisturizer on my face. Oh well whatever … I get the trash and take it to the dumpster.
Now back in the kitchen, I start to get excited… food time!!! I open the fridge and I’m in shock… there is no more lunch meat😳just cheese. Adult kids, are not just eating what I bought that they like, but what I like as well…. milk???? Out of that too? I’m too tired to cook plus I have to get some sleep, have to be to work early… English muffins toasted with butter and cheese…. that’s dinner. I’m so tired I don’t even feel like doing this now… but I manage. Eat the muffins, drink some juice, climb into bed … pray, pray some more. With the tv on, playing a rerun… I fall asleep… Tomorrow is another day!
Monday thru Sat all have differing degrees of intensity of various similar situations. Some days there are more customers to help than live in the area it seems. Other days I do get to eat lunch. Some days I come home and taking the dog out is a joy. Other days I come home and what I wanted for dinner is right there in the fridge waiting for me. Some days work takes forever to be over. Some days it’s all I can do to get home and just be alone. My days are filled with moments of irritations, hurt feelings, exhaustion, mental tiredness,
Feelings of just being overwhelmed etc. but I know this is life. So what’s the problem. Sometimes I wish someone could see the days when it’s just too much.., and step in and maybe make me dinner or take the dog for a walk without having to be asked. Hey maybe someone could say you know what you call in sick today … I’ve got you. We will make it. You get some rest. May be someone could look at the bills and say you know what I’ll help with this one. Or the oil needs changing ill take it for you. Before you think a husband is what I need. That’s not it. I would like someone to say or do these things not all the time … just on those occasions where I’ve had enough of everything and just need some understanding. I want someone who won’t look down on me for being tired, who gets that I carry the responsibilities of having my three kids back. If I fail, so do they, even though they are young adults, I want to have their back just in case – make their mistakes while I’m alive so that I can help. You see, I know how it feels to be in the world where even your own shadow doesn’t have your back.
I want relief from not knowing when it’s ok to complain or say hey I need help. Instead of asking someone for help, I’ll do it my damn self. Why? No one ever showed up for me as a child and some how I’ve carried that survival skill to adulthood with a vengeance.
Am I making any sense?
For the record I’ve started seeing a new therapist… why? Because I need to figure this whole thing out…. I feel so lonely sometimes because no one has my back… I also don’t trust that anyone could anyhow…
I’m going to figure this out …
forgive me if I babbled through this blog post.., blame it on my current feelings of just feeling that “everything” is on my shoulders..
As always this too shall pass…
God bless and thank you for reading this post!