I was an adult when the permission was finally granted…
The following words gave me permission…
“You deserve love…”
Words that have meaning when you grow up being told that you were unworthy of love. “No one could love you.” She said. “I should have aborted you” she said.
“Protect yourself at all cost…”
Words that have meaning when as a child you had to walk into the pain. You had to give yourself up as a sacrifice to someone else’s horrific sadistic punishments for the mere infraction of being born.
“I won’t let you sacrifice yourself anymore. “
Words that have critical meaning for me. As a child I was the sacrificial lamb in my house. Having a narcissistic mother, who was an expert at gas lighting and manipulation. I was taught to be that sacrifice.
Mentally, emotionally, physically I sacrificed, not protecting myself, because I didn’t know I deserved to be loved.
When I breathed each of these phrases in, my soul crashed. My spirit cracked like glass and I was crushed under the weight of all the years of pain. After hours of crying… I am not completely healed but my load is lighter, almost nonexistent. I’m no longer carrying all that weight. A weight that was never mine to carry in the first place.