Jesus … this is hard!!

I did what you said… I asked… I used wisdom… I’ve prayed and now I’m here. I stand… bent over but I stand. I don’t know but then again I do know. I think … I kept it inside… I wore the mask … I walked like others and died often, alone and scared. I’ve grown I can walk and talk and stand longer than before. I can listen and hear and I can feel. Real feelings, real emotions. Fear is no longer the back drop … well it wasn’t… it’s not even fear its a feeling of unknown. But it’s familiar.

I spent most of my life in the unknown … as I go through this process now I need … I don’t know what I need but I know I want to be able to still stand.

Therapy, medication and prayer… Prayer, medication and therapy … Prayer… I’ll continue to pray

Medication … I’m trying to wean off but that pit.. that black hole is still there… the words .. the anxiousness the depression it’s still there… were the meds just gate keepers?

Therapy… I’ve done that … I don’t feel like talking now… if I need to I can always go back…

I’ll make it …I’ll be on the other side… will I make it without my meds? I honestly don’t know… I’m trying … I’ve gained so much in life… Wait,that’s it.. I gained a clarity for my life with the meds… Things are getting fuzzy again though… the meds may be my sentence for a debit I never owed.

Whatever happens I know one thing for certain… I am a walking testimony that my life has meaning. My life is important… I am important… Mama, I am important!!! Regardless of how hard it is today… God loves me, He’s given me wisdom … I believe my answers will come… if I have to continue my meds… I will! If I can stand without them I will!… Today though… it’s hard!!! Today though I’m tired… Today though I struggle… Today though I pray again … Lord whatever you do .. don’t leave me!

Tomorrow I’ll pray again… I’ll keep praying cause Gods the only one listening anyway!

To anyone who suffers from PTSD… Do what you must to be you… Therapy, Medication, Prayer, Exercise, Scream, Cry…

Whatever you do.. save yourself… Be a testimony…Stand straight not bent and shout “we survive and will thrive…Nobody but God!!!!”

God Bless