It’s a truth. It’s a reality and it’s played out time after time after time.
Anyone that thinks I’m unfamiliar with being unwanted. How wrong you would be. Hell, its like a warm blanket at this point. A best friend. A hand that caresses my back as I can’t breathe from the pain of it all. It’s comforting because this I understand. This I know. This… is the only life I know.
Is it my smile? My hair? My words? My fears? My reality?
Is it my eyes? My face? My height? Is it my humor? My skin? My heart?
Am I not smart enough? Am I not honest enough? What infraction have I done to live THIS life? What? What?
What? Fucking what? Just tell me what it is? Why? It’s the answer of all answers. It’s the question of all questions? Why?
The pain. The misery. The gut wrenching soul throwing up crying. It hurts so much. Emotionally i can’t breathe. I’ve hurt ALL my life. The circle of life always revolves back to this. I get nothing I want. I’m not taking about the material things. I’m talking about time. I’m talking about acceptance. I’m talking about no judgement. I’m talking about love.
Can’t I be loved the way I want? I have love to give. I want to talk and listen and tell and communicate. I want to share and do and have and hold. I want to do for and be done for. Yes I want companionship. I want that. I want to stand for someone and they stand for me.
I have things that happen in my day and I want to tell someone about my day. Sometimes something will happen and it hurts so much that there is no one to call to bounce something off of . I get freaking anxiety because I’m scared something will happen and there is no one to tell. WTH. Someone who would listen intensely and play catch with me in conversation about it.
I want to hear about someone’s day to play catch with them in conversation.
I hate! Yes I hate! Yes I hate this!
The older I get the more I realize that I’m not going to ever have that which I desire. In so many ways I feel as if I’ve been cursed. I’ve been doomed.
Nothing that it’s… just nothing. She always said I wouldn’t be loved. She said no one would/could. She said why would they? She said I was bad. She said i wasn’t worth it. She said I was unloveable. Who knew she was right! LOL I am not even mad… I’m sure that whatever she saw in me… others see too… that has to be why. What other reason could there be?
I used to think I’d do anything for love… now i know i won’t do that… I now know for certain what I must do.
Love is not mine to have. It’s not mine to hold. I was never intended for it. The plan was laid out way before I was born. I’ve lived this life in search of. But search no more I shall. I get it. I now understand.
I will handle this as such…
I’ve got my diploma. There will be no graduation ceremony. No after party to commiserate this occasion.
Trust me though…the celebration of my truth will be epic.