She’s gone, the light is out

She’s gone, the light is out.

She can no longer hurt me,

Heaven has a new angel I pray.

My abuser is dead.

There I said it.

I want for her in death what I wanted for her in life… Love!

I pray that God welcomes her home and shows her all the love that she never felt on this earth.

I make no apologies for the way I’ve chosen to acknowledge her passing. I told very few. I did not attend any memorials, I did not send flowers, I did not send a card. I did not say sorry to hear of her passing.

I stood, I sat, I breathed in and out for days, often in silence. I felt nothing.

A few people said I’m sorry for your loss and I just wanted to say it’s not a loss. We all die.

There’s been judgement. Text messages from family. Silence is my friend. I read them and just don’t reply. I was bothered by the judgement. Even in death her legacy of giving others the wrong impression of me continues. Strange how that works.

I stand in silence. There are no more words to be spoken to family. Sides have been chosen and stories have been told about me and believed by them.

I will not defend how I choose to live, who I choose to be and how I choose to protect me.

Someone who has rode this journey of healing with me said “ Protect yourself at ALL COSTS”. I didn’t understand at first… but by the second day after her passing I understood better. For the first time in my life someone gave me permission to PROTECT MYSELF at ALL COSTS!

I was stunned by this granting of doing something to protect myself regardless of the out come. No one ever said that to me before.

The statement freed me!

I make no apologies for the actions I’ve taken in the past to protect myself from my birth mother and the brother that I was raised with. I make no apologies for how I’ve choosen to heal what she broke. I make no apologies for protecting myself from a narcissist and a sociopath. I make no apologies for cutting off the communications. For trying to live my life.

Her death gave me freedom.

Freedom in time, and time in freedom.

The light is out. The body is at rest.

May you Rest In Peace now. I will Rest In Peace knowing that you can never hurt me again.

No tears, for you beat them out of me as a child. No pain, for you inflicted so much on me as a child, that my cup runneth over. No sorrow, as I lost you long before I was even born.

Your memory will be put on mute right now. No difference than how you silenced me with your schemes and plans and abuse.

If I cry … it would be for the lack of acknowledgement by you that you did terrible things. If I cry… it would be for the fact that you will never want me as your child. If I cry… it would be because the fantasy of a loving mom died with you.

Good bye mother! I pray that God is there and gives you love. Takes away your pains and holds you close to his heart.

As for me… I’m surviving cause that’s what you raised me to do.. survive!

Living? Well I’m working on that still….

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