As I close out 2019, I reflect:
This year has been monumental in several areas of my life:
It started with me fighting to live. Crawling and clawing thru the darkness that consumes every thought, every breath. Depression becomes more than a friend, it becomes your drug convincing you that death is your friend, and hell is just a vacation spot. Once it took up residency, it stayed, and I paid ever so willingly to keep it. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, was choose life, when i just didn’t want to live anymore. Having no control as a child, can make having control as an adult lethal. I rose to the challenge, and thru medication and therapy, I survived.
I would question my descision to live a few times in this past year. A close family member would manipulate me once again. Using a secret that lives deep in my soul, a desire that I keep buried so deep that only God knows exactly where it’s at: My secret desire to be loved by my mother. My secret desire to have my family want me and love me. A family member, took that knowledge and used it against me again. I am to blame somewhat, because at my age I should have know better. Children who are abused are often left with a massive crater of a hole in their heart. Confused by the questions. Without answers to the whys. What did I do? When will it stop? Questions that don’t actually become questions until later in life. Questions that in my case couldn’t even been articulated as I was so young when the abuse started. I didn’t have the language to express myself. Needless to say, I found myself fighting again to stand my ground and stop the manipulation. Lawyers and several thousand dollars later: I found freedom…sort of. Freedom from one thing, but chains still to another thing. Family on a larger scale of cousins, Aunts & Uncles became my judge and jurors. People who whisper “ I don’t know what your mother could have done for you to treat her this way”. Judgemental statements: “ she’s still your mother”. The whispers of family that slowly grow from whispers behind your back to screams that arrive in text messages to your phone. Voiceless screams of judgement that show up in their demeanor: A hug or not. A hand shake or the ever present “look”. Yep, the experience felt like someone had yelled “all aboard” and all of my blood family with their first class ticket rushed to conclusions about things they know nothing about.
Press forward and she died. My birth mother died. Only now can I look back and realize I didn’t handle this information well. The delivery of the information was to say the least, bizarre and with little regard to anyone other than her caretaker. That moment to take in her death was never realized by me and I’m sure one day I will deal with it on my own. But the immediate handling of her passing ment I would be going to someone else’s aid to care for them and their issues, not my own. I was her daughter, I was the one she abandoned, tortured, abused, and left for dead. Perhaps someone should have come to my aid? Reminder: Put your emotional needs first.
Fast forward to answering “yes”. I finally said yes to what Gods been whispering in my spirit. I’ve been blessed with a platform to use to give back, influence and bless others. As a strong advocate for survivors of child abuse, single mothers, and people in general. I am looking forward to 2020.
I have much to give, much to do, much to say and look forward to blessing others.
I’m thankful for all the growth… water makes seeds grow… tears have made me grow…
Be blessed and please let me know if you can relate or just wanna share how you’ve grown.