Trigger Alert: Please make sure YOU are safe before you read this.

This is from my past… it’s dark, but it’s a truth. I’m in a better space now. I share this as someone I know shared something similar. I stand with her… she is not alone in feeling darkness. And neither are you. I stand with you to support you… SURVIVE! Reach out.. I will reach back… why? Cause I know how it feels to reach out, and no one reaches back…

Its 30 pills or more or a knife to my wrist… it should have been the gun my mother threatened to use on me when I was a child.

It feels like it would solve my problems as it would all just STOP. NO MORE LONLEYNESS, NO MORE BEING NOT UNDERSTOOD, NO MORE WANTING SOMEONE TO GET ME, NO MORE TRYING, NO MORE PRAYING, NO MORE HOPING… JUST QUIET!

I get here way to often. I did a mistake once…I tried … but failed! Thought it must be a sign from God… Nope, just a fail. Not much has changed in the way I hoped. Still me, they still don’t talk to me, and I’m still alone.

Searched for my entire life for the safe opportunity to be safe and be me. I hate it here! But no worries, God won’t forgive me for taking my life, so keep waking up… if I’m lucky, I’ll stop feeling, stop caring, and continue on… but even that I can’t get right. I’m mad, I’m stupid, I am a good reason for the fact that they don’t speak to me. Hell, my mother didn’t like me so the fact that my kids don’t goes with the course. I have no emotions , but I have too many… I want out so bad, but I’m a coward because I’ll make God mad. I’m trying to get into heaven the same way I’ve tried to be understood. Stupid, really.

Would they miss me? I’m certain they wouldn’t. I see the smiles in the pictures. They look happy. I wish for forgiveness, but they won’t give me the chance. So… I pray for death instead. I mean, I pray God to take my life… I could start smoking again… I smoked because I thought if I caught cancer and died, GOD would still let me in heaven cause I died of natural causes. Also, who would know how much I didn’t want to be here? It would be my secret.

Saw the doctor the other day and I am healthy as a horse apparently… another missed opportunity for death to become my friend. DAMN

I want out! Yep thats really what I want. I’ve held onto hope my entire life. Wanting my mother to like me… cause love was out of the question…. I then raised my children without the emotional stuff they needed and now I’m wanting them to like me… cause loves out of the question. No husband, no BFF, nope just me and my dogs. Even one of them prefers my kid over me.

I’m out.. yep.. no more caring … Got to stop. If I keep on.. I might make a mistake again. Trust me though if I make that mistake again.. ill get it right this time… I promise… God or not.. ill get it right!