I never learned how to form proper connections. How to be a child in a child’s world. I missed the growing up as a child. I missed the first kiss and the crush stage of life.

I awoke married and pregnant. Not an adult but a child with no direction other than a search for love, total acceptance and protection.

Marriage doesn’t give that and a child is not the answer. I was lost. I have to be a grown up when I’ve been a grown up all my life. Not grown in the since of wisdom. I’d been grown in the since of survival. I knew how to survive. My only evidence of my great knowledge was the fact that I was alive. That’s it. I knew nothing but how to imitate or not imitate others.

Add children to the life I had and I was lost. I had no experience to pull from. My childhood was not full of playing. It was full of trying to stay safe. Playing felt dirty as a child and beneath me. I spent more time listening for her foot steps. Trying to figure out her moods. On high alert for. Now with children of my own… what do you do? They need clothes, food, beds, toys, rooms of their owns…”Each generation should do better than the next”….

I didn’t know how give what I never had. Financial supporting was the only thing I knew. Shoes, clothes, food etc. I can do that. Playing, emotions, talking, hugs, teaching… yea not my strong points.

I’m so sorry that I didn’t know what I understand now after years of therapy…. playing, emotions, talking, hugs, teaching are way more valuable.

I failed and my kids will never know how sorry I am that I failed them. I thought I had done better than my birth mother… in fact on many levels I did. But on so many levels I broke them..I was not healed enough to raise children.

I failed… and I’m so sorry. I tried but I was broken …

Trying to heal

Hoping I’ll get a second chance….