This moment is all I have

No guarantee I’m going to make it to the next moment

Be present in this moment. Be here …

Eyes see

Ears hear

Voice stay quiet use your ears

Mind don’t wander stay focused

I tried … then it happened I stopped breathing

Holding my breath, tears running, pain searing, mind spinning, broken thoughts broken words,

Help.. I could hear myself saying help but not out loud.

I’m breaking down… where are the tools I’ve learned… I can’t remember, I can’t think.

Please let me speak.. I can hear these words but they are in my head.. I try to speak but I’m cut off… shut up I think to myself. You can’t speak no one is listening.

The knife is right here on the table.. just grab it and cut your wrist I think. No that would traumatize them. Sit still you deserve this. You wanted them to like V better and see they do.

Shh don’t say anything… conflict is here. Conflict is here. CONFLICT IS HERE!

I’m so sorry I scream… its in my head. Can’t you hear me… I’m so sorry… I’m not breathing … shit breath ..

I didn’t know how to show up for you.. I’m sorry.

I was trying to survive, find love, cause everyday I hated my life and me. Don’t you see I’m broken. I don’t run right. Don’t you see?

It’s not your job to see. It’s not your job to understand. I didn’t do a good job and no amount of sorry will fix that. I get that. You hate me and I get that. I taught you to walk away because that’s what I did. “Cats in the cradle”