The question was raised: if you’ve been in therapy for years why didn’t you do better?

What happened to me as a child was so horrific that it broke my mind. Since I can remember, one thought I’ve had every day is about death. The other was could I ever be loved unconditionally.  I’m no longer suicidal, but I was for years. I woke up and went to bed  thinking about taking my life.  I remember thinking to step off the curb and get hit by the bus. Or driving, I would think just run into on coming traffic, run into the gard rail or on a bridge just turn toward the water and floor it. The thoughts go way deeper and darker. The wish for death started as a child. It continued thru marriage, having children, raising children, and them becoming adults.

I began therapy while my children were young. This therapy started the long and continuous journey of healing. While my kids were young, it was because of therapy that I didn’t take my life. I started going after divorce and years into being a single parent.

It was me reaching out. There was so much to work thru. I wish I could have spent time in therapy to be a better mom and a better person. But the true point of my therapy was so I didn’t put an end to my life. It was a constant struggle. Depression was so high. Death seemed like a friend. I pretended to be awake in my life, but I wasn’t. I wanted validation of my pain while at the same time craving an unconditional love.

The little girl in me was perpetuating the look of being an adult. I was a child in an adult body trying to do adult things. I failed at so much. I succeeded at some things. But I was a child in an adult body.

Therapy is there to assist you in becoming the best version of yourself. To help you find you and help you heal. I started as that child in the adult body… there wasnt much there… I started with almost nothing when I first went to therapy. No one knew. I was faking it to make it. Smile when appropriate. Do what’s appropriate. Robotic moves to look what I believed was normal. Inside though … its the inside that therapy helps to heal.
Inside I was still a child, wanting protection, feeling incredibly scared of living, trying to be strong, wanting to be rescued.

I will always be grateful for my journey of therapy as I wouldn’t be here now. It’s taken years for me to finally show up as me. I have more good days than bad now. I am still in therapy as I am still growing. I think about death still everyday but I don’t desire it. It’s not an obsession or a conclusion. It’s a thought of being grateful for this life that death didn’t take. 

I have tools to help me when my fears take over, when I start to question my worth, when I feel myself start to relaps into old thoughts and ways. I also have medication. Yes I take medication to get through my life. Medication isn’t for everyone however if you find it works… please take it. It took the fog off, it took the depression and made it manageable. It dulls the anxiety. It allows me time to realize what I’m feeling and use tools to handle it. Instead of me getting frozen by overwhelming stifling debilitating emotion. Medicine and therapy changed my life. They work in tandem to provide me a base that supports me in being present. Don’t misunderstand it’s a journey and it’s a day at a time, a moment at a time. My new motto is “today is all I can handle nothing more nothing less .. stay present in this moment and take the next moment as it comes”

I am a work in progress. I survived the abuse and am surviving the effects. I’m not where I was. I can’t change the past, but I can handle things differently today than I have in my past. I may not have healed and been better when others thought I should. No one walked the journey of my childhood with me, but me. So, no one gets to judge what I went thru and how it affected me.

In my brokenness, I’ve hurt so many. That was never my intention. I take full responsibility for any pain I’ve caused. Doing the best I could has not served others very well. For that, I’m sorry.  I can only ask for forgiveness and pray they will allow the opportunity to get to know me now.

*for anyone considering suicide I beg you to reach out. I attempted it but God didn’t let me go. He kept me here for a purpose. I am finally walking in my purpose… I promise you we can make this together… you are not alone. Reach out…