Diary entry from 1998

Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Written 11/19/98 at 11pm

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life… Today marks the ending of my marriage and the beginning of a new life with me, myself and I and also my three children. Today is just the legal beginning. Soon, once I have the key to my new place the real start of freedom will begin.

There is so much I want to do, see, be, experience that I find it all both frightening and exciting. So much just recently has changed for me I seem to possess a truth that I never really knew I had in me. Like Mariah Carey song says “ If you believe in yourself enough and know what you want you’re gonna make it happen … make it happen… and if you get down on your knees at night and pray to the Lord. He’s gonna make it happen, make it happen”

Well there is a lot to be said about blind faith. Thank you Jesus for faith period… cause I know I couldn’t have done any of this without faith.

Fate? Do I believe in fate? I’m not sure. I think I believe that if one wants something bad enough you can get anything you want. My dilemma seems to be what I want and what God may want for me. I pray that they are the same. I know that God loves me just as I am. I also know that he wants me to be happy. I tend to question if what I want God feels is best or If I get what I want will I still be unsatisfied. You know the greatest thing I can say is that over the past few weeks I truly feel amazingly blessed. It seems everything I have touched has turned out how I hoped or knew it would.

I feel a sense of power within myself that I think I always knew was there but didn’t trust it. Now, I’m learning to trust it more and more every day. I’m also starting to pay more attention to who I am but more importantly who I want to become. You know its ok to take two steps backward so you can take two steps forward.

About my kids… my prayer is simple.. “Put your hands on my children Lord – take care of my children. Thank you for giving them to me!”

My prayer for today is simple “Thank you Jesus! Thank you for peace, joy and love! Thank you Jesus for all that you have done … of all these I think you for faith!”

I love you

I wrote the above entry years ago… I found it the other day and thought to share it…. I wanted to show that we all need to revisit and reflect. I am reflecting these days as I have found myself in a place I couldnt have known that I would be be today: I am unemployed, having the greatest of difficulty finding a job, afraid for my future and that of my children, my family structure is not what I once thought it would be at this space and time. I have fallen in my life and and I am trying to get back up. I posted the above journal entry because I had forgotten that I could feel what was written down that day. I felt so light and spiritual and accepted and that life was gonna be ok…. I am in search of that feeling now… If I felt it once… I have to believe it will come back one day again….
Reflection has let me know that I was once there…. in a space and time where I was confident that I was powerful within myself…. I am praying I will get there again… Please Jesus… make it soon.

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