Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I was thinking … No actually remembering … No actually realizing … That I have been hiding my pain since i was very small…
This is my story….
I think I was in kindergarten or maybe preschool… I seemed normal on the outside… ( I think) I played on the juggle Jim during recess. Rode the hoppy horse and enjoyed riding on this spinning circle ride. I wore two pony tails most of the time and have vague memories of various plaid dresses, pants outfits and cute shoes that I wore to school. I think I smiled a lot or at least knew that people were drawn to me and thought i was adorable. I think I was a smart kid and generally liked by the other kids. I recently found one of my teachers from that time in my life on Facebook. She told me how much she thought well of me as a child. I was so nice, polite and smart. To her I was a perfect child… So much so that she named her daughter after me…. Wow .. What an honor! I was truly humbled by her words and actions… She showed me her daughters Facebook page and yes we share the same name… Oh but how I wish that teacher could have know of the secrets I had… And the pain that I carried at that young age.
One day I was swinging on the swings. It was something I loved to do during recess. The swing seats were made of flexible material. I loved to stand on the swings and as we would call it “pump” your legs so that you would go higher and higher. Boy how I loved swinging…. I loved to sit and swing too but standing would make me go higher and I could see more of the top of the school building and the tops of the trees.
This one day I was standing and swinging and my feet slipped out of the swing…. I couldn’t get my feet back in the swing so I was holding on with my hands… I tried and tried but couldn’t get my feet back in the swing so I let go and landed hard on the ground on my bottom. I think I may have cried… I think they sent me to the nurse and I was sent home with a note to give my parents about my accident at school. My stomach hurt something awful. I think I probably bruised my stomach muscles when I slammed Into the ground.
I didn’t give the note to my parents. I didn’t tell them I had fallen and been hurt. I opened the letter read it and threw it away. I didn’t want them to know I had been hurt….
At the tender age of preschool… I already had learned to hide my pain…I knew that no one was gonna care, or comfort me for my pain, I also didn’t want to be humiliated for being hurt….. I didnt and knew that i couldnt tell my mother cause it was not safe to be vulnerable to her as she caused me pain at home…. And i already had learned that pain ment humiliation so i couldnt tell my dad cause what would he think… He still thought i was a good child…. If had told him what would he have thought… Would he start to think of me as my mommy did?? That i was bad? Unworthy of love? Unworthy of care and protection?? I don’t know that at that age I could have explained my reasoning for not telling my parents that I had been hurt… But I do know I chose not to tell them for fear of something… I was afraid to tell them that I was hurt…. To validate my pain…. I was in preschool. I have been doing that same behavior all my life …. Afraid to share my pain… Ashamed to share my pain…. Embarrassed to share my pain… I was taught that reaction to pain…. My God what I must have been through at that age to have hiding pain as being the answer to pain…. OMG what had that child been through already? What in the world could I have experienced that would have been such a lesson that would make me hide getting hurt by accident?
I used to think that I had made a conscious decision to hide my emotions from others…. I now realize it wasn’t conscious…. It was necessary… It was something that I learned in an effort to protect me….
I was a child… I was in preschool and I had already learned to hide who I was from the rest of the world… I had already learned that I was alone… No one was gonna save me or comfort me….
Oh how I cry for that little girl today…. Oh how I cry for her not being able to know safety and comfort…. And how she is still trying to figure out what that’s supposed to feel like as an adult….
I’ve spent my whole life keeping it all inside cause I never had it in the first place … I’ve never had the comfort and safety of knowing someone was gonna protect you and take care of you…. That someone was gonna hold you in your time of pain or fear….
OMG the realization of this is truly overwhelming….I need to process this more…