Sunday, May 25, 2014The Visit
So I went … I decided to go and visit my mother. The woman who gave birth to me… The one who abused me as a child.
My reasons for visiting were simple. Her son, my brother – the child she loved best or at least better than me, seems to have been charged by her, with her welfare. Guess what? He’s not doing his job. Woman is living in dire conditions and he’s of course, no where to be found.
I drove to her house on a Sunday afternoon. My god sister was there visiting with my mother. She let me in. Nerves? Anxiety? Ill feelings .. Yep I was feeling them all that day. Haven’t stepped foot in that house in over 12 years. Haven’t seen or spoken to her to the same amount of time.
She looked old. Tired. Worn by time. However… She .. That nastiness… That raw manipulation… That was always present with her during my childhood, quickly showed that it still survives. She started with the ” I don’t know who you are?” Routine. The reason I say routine is the woman I have known to be my mother manipulates… I’ve seen her do it with my own eyes. How could she not know me? I’m her child. Lived with her the first 20 years of my life. The fact that we haven’t spoken or seen each other in years shouldn’t have any barring on recognizing me. She let my daughter in weeks before and she hasn’t seen her in the same amount of years and she was a child the last time… So basically I’m not buying the ” I don’t recognize you”… Statement.
The conversations were strained and she played her games in the conversation for the sake of my god sister whom is present.
The visit is brief…. I wanted her to know I was there to help her if she needed it… I didn’t want anything .. Money? House? Car? Nothing! I was there because my father worked too hard for her to be living in the conditions she is currently in. I am my fathers daughter and he would not be pleased to know that all he worked for is going down with my mother. I was there to offer an olive branch …
I meant every word! I would help her…. Nothing in return….
She made her position clear… Told me to leave her house… I was not wanted there….
My God the pain!
I always knew she didn’t want me as a child. Somewhere I guess I had hoped she would want me as an adult… I was/am wrong!
This was a few months ago… Since then there has been Mothers Day and time to work on healing.
I’ll never go there again! She will mostly likely die in her residence. I left my phone number just in case she ever wanted to reach out…
You see … I am “truth” if I am in her life then she has to deal with what she did to me as a child. She doesn’t want to deal with that.
If I am around then I may expose her for who she is. Because again, i know who she is/was… When no one else was around!
I wish her the best! I hope she has people in her life who will love her… everyone deserves that.
She doesn’t want me…. Those words hurt my soul even more as an adult with children myself.
I am broken… Like glass… Shattered into many pieces….
I’m putting myself back together one piece at a time… One fragile piece at a time …
Oh …. I will be ok … Time is on my side