Monday, August 29, 2011
YELLING! I don’t like yelling: one person yelling or screaming at another. I don’t like to hear it, be around it and I definitely make it a point not to do it. It’s the escalating of someone’s voice. It is the anger that is transmitted from their mouth to my ears. It is the force in which they speak. It is the demands and cruel words and tones that follow. I can’t stand it! There is a sense of horror that I immediately feel when I am exposed to it. I feel unsettled when I’m around it even if it has nothing to do with me. For a moment while in that environment I am unnerved and frightened.
Yelling produces several reactions for me… I find myself almost waiting till it’s my turn to be yelled at. I start to feel responsible even when I have nothing to do with it. I immediately wish and start to look for ways that I can fix the situation.
Where did that come from? Childhood patterns are hard to change. As a child, yelling was an alarm. It ment: stand up, pay attention, try to fix whatever is wrong, stay low, listen, think, what can you do to make it better, what can you do to not get into trouble. Hearing yelling would make my mind immediately go into over drive, hyper thinking, reacting, problem solving even when it wasn’t my problem. As an adult I still have these reactions.
I have learned though that someone yelling is really on the person doing the yelling. It is about them, and I have absolutely nothing to do with it. They are choosing to yell. They are choosing that as their mode of communication. There are other ways to communicate, but they have chosen that, and I don’t have to react. It’s not my job to save, fix, make better or react. It’s not my job nor my responsibility. Yelling is just another way for people to communicate. I for one don’t agree that it’s the best way, but it is one way. There obviously are others.
People are wonderfully expressive creatures who have the ability to choose. I for one make it my goal to choose to not yell. Now I’m not saying I have not yelled. Oh yes I have yelled and or raised my voice. However, I can honestly say that each time that has happened It didn’t help me obtain the results that I wanted. In fact, in the long run, it made things worse. Yelling is a form of being out of control. The person doing the yelling is out of control, which then flips a switch in me that produces feelings of being out of control and me trying to fix the situation. One situation fuels the next.
As a young child, once the yelling started, the point, (if there was one) was lost. I shut down and immediately became like a robot. Mentally going thru my data base of what to do and doing all the things I thought I needed to do to produce one end result: Keeping me out of harm’s way. There were those times that I would disassociate. They were probably worse because I was so removed from the moment I could not engage enough to react quickly enough to manage the situation. End results would be disastrous. I was a small young child trying to manage an adult who was yelling. Something is wrong with that picture.
As an adult I now know and understand that communication is a choice. How you communicate is also a choice. Because of my upbringing, I have become increasingly aware of the need to be respectful of others when I speak. Communication- joins me and you together for a moment in time. I have learned that if you wish to be heard, speak so that someone WANTS to listen. Don’t speak because they HAVE to listen. When I speak, I understand that that moment in time, once spoken, can’t be erased. I try to be aware of content, expression and tone. Once spoken, I can’t take it back. (That last sentence you read is now in our past and it’s too late to take it back). I try to speak in a respectful voice. Not just for the other person but more so for me. I am a firm believer that what you send out from yourself… will come back to you. (Wish someone had explained all this to my mother)
I wish my children to not fear me when I speak…. I want them to not just hear me when I speak … I want my children to listen … I want my children to be able to listen… not just with their ears but ….. with their soul. I want my children to also know how to communicate and for that to happen I understand I have to be an example.
My childhood was painful but I am turning that around and using that pain to make a difference in how I parent my own children.
So for me and my house… we will not be yelling.