Gods in control

Gods in control. That’s hard to say but it’s a truth for me. Control is hard for me to relinquish. “Control” is like a favorite stuffed animal for children or sweats, hot coco and a warm blanket on winter cold nights for an adult. Control is comforting.

Being born and raised being abused I learned quickly that I had no control. I tried to gain control over things, but there was none to be had. Fantasy quickly became a part of my early childhood. Fantasy of the day I would be able to control something, anything. I had to survive first though. Trying to control my own survival was my lesson in control. Guess what? I learned it well. I succeeded. I survived. But, there was a cost: debits that I never owed but have been paying every since that first incident of abuse.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table for hours because I didn’t want to eat the brussel sprouts that were on my plate. Brussel sprouts, Broccoli, Liver just to name a few foods were part of my early fantasies of things I’d control. “When i grow up… I won’t eat anything I don’t like!” Well I’ve kept that control thus far. No one will hurt me. I will never depend on anyone to protect me again. I will never need anyone again. I will make someone love me… the list goes on of my fantasies of “control”

I attempted often as a child to get control… looking sad when daddy came home so he would see that I was hurt. Trying to say just enough to my dad to hopefully get his attention to what was going on. These attempts failed.

Once I hit adulthood “control” became my addiction. I married and tried to not control things but I couldn’t help myself. I felt control would keep me safe, control would get me love and control would never fail me. “Control” would bring me none of that. It alienated me from others, prevented me from receiving love, it didn’t keep me safe because often it left me vulnerable to bad choices in an effort to get love, protection and acceptance.

Fast forward to today. God is in control. Im still working on this but I’ve learned that through it all he’s kept me. I have testimonies of how he’s carried me and how he’s controlled my life even when I didn’t realize it.

I’m learning to free fall to HIS will. On so many things in my life I’ve opened up and relinquished control to God: Work, my children, money, bills, my health. I struggle still in areas such as relationships, love, friendships, intimacy. I’ve come far though. Also, i know that it’s just a matter of faith, and for me time. I’ll relinquish more to Gods will. In the end He’s in control anyway. In the end, it’s not my will but THINE will be done.

Gods in control of my life! I can shout that and say HALLELUJAH! Knowing that Gods got me is comforting. My child abuse happened and I struggle still with PTSD but, I’m alone no longer and I can rest from having to be in control of everything.

My process in growing in GOD, is just that a process, but i am grateful for the process. I’m grateful that I’m not where i used to be and I know I’m not where I will be… but the best is, I no longer have to be in control in everything …

GODs in control and I like it!


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