I grew up with abuse. The kind that shatters your soul and scares your spirit into a deep dark place. You survive, but you are broken and hurt. Your spirit is destroyed and your brain is altered. You are no longer who you were born as. You have been molded into a damaged, dark and twisted piece of clay, broken in places that glue and tape can’t fix until the outer layers have been chipped away.
My outer layers were strong and many said beautiful. The casing that I presented to the world impressed even me. Unscathed and shiny like a new penny.
Fast forward to adulthood, it was impossible to keep up the structural maintence required, to be shiny and beautiful in the worlds eyes. The weight of the outer cast was heavy, and it caved in on my being.. crushing my self esteem, my worth and my ability to breath …I eventually gave up.
But there was a light, a small light inside me… it often flickered and a few times went out for a second but the embers would be just enough to reignite it.
Part of the transformation was therapy. It chopped away at the surface. Removed layers and shaved off the wroughness. A hole was made and scope inserted to examine the inside. Many emotional surgeries and lots of pain later, my recovery, which was lengthy, resulted in some permanent repairs and some temporary. Meaning: future surgeries will be required. The temporary repairs are many. Being held together by tape and glue can be frightening. Dr’s instructions: take it easy in life, take care of your self… avoid stress and stay focused on the good.
I followed the drs orders… but the glue started to give way… the tape came off and I was left with damage. Damage that in many ways looked worse than the initial injury.
Oh but God… when God makes something better He becomes the surgeon, He is the creator, He is the ultimate fixer…
Wisdom was provided, trust established and leadership presented. I followed and now I’m better, ohhhh so much better!
PTSD is a diagnosis. It was confirmation that I wasn’t crazy, or bad, or even broken. PTSD was a result of injury. Like a broken bone that needs to be reset… there is a process to becoming better… everyone’s process is personalized for them.
My process included therapy- Years and years of it and eventually medication.
Did God save me? YES HE DID! My journey with God is not going to look like anyone else’s journey! With certainty, I tell you NOBODY BUT GOD could do it!!
God gave me a testimony…The world can try to mold you, break you, destroy you… but God can fix you. He will lead you to the right place, at the right time