“It’s a lonely road if a momma don’t think they child is pretty” The Help
It was a lonely road! “Only monkeys are cute”. “I could have flushed you” I should have flushed you”. “Worthless, stupid, ugly, nasty…dumb, unloveable, unclean, skinny, liar, unworthy, ungrateful, hated… “these are just a few of the words that started out my life. They would later be followed by beatings that went on for hours. Physical pain is one thing … emotional pain is a whole different type of pain.
The requirements were simple: a daily paper, written neatly, spelling correct, punctuation correct, subject matter “why you don’t deserve love” why you don’t deserve life”. Oh yeah and one very important thing… no repeats. One infraction of the above requirements ment a beating would be administered. “Worthless, stupid, ugly, nasty…dumb, unloveable, unclean, skinny, liar, unworthy, ungrateful…” I failed miserably at this task…
Fast forward to 2000. The only one who loved me dies. My daddy was gone. I walked away and never looked back.
“Honor thy mother and father and your days will be longer”
My response? I am honoring her. I can’t disrespect her if I’m not around her.
I kept hearing God say… Forgive her!
I finally did… well …kinda: Forgive her, but continue to not deal with her.
“God I want”… “God I need”…
Prayers going up.. answer keeps coming down… “you have to go to her tell her you forgive her. Embrace her. I hear your prayers and will answer you but you must do what I’m telling you.”
Now the negotiations start… “ok God maybe I can do something else .. not exactly what you say but close. Will something similar work?”
Prayers going up… answers keep coming back… “similar doesn’t work” “Do what I’m telling you.”
Years go by, I keep trying to negotiate.
Specific prayers aren’t answered. I beg, I plead. Gods answer was consistent! My response was to try and negotiate. Who try’s to negotiate with God? It’s ridiculous really. But I knew there was pain on the other side of true forgiveness. I feared the pain. I feared the memories. I feared the loss of a childhood fantasy. I wanted my mom to love me.
Finally I gave up negotiations. Too tired.. to old. Also with therapy, meds and prayer my brokenness was no longer shattered pieces but whole parts of a person who survived! A whole person who realized that fighting God was useless but also nonproductive. God loved me from birth. My survival had purpose! “God have your way!” With these words I free fell my way into Gods plan. God will catch me!
I saw her. It was a family funeral. She was frail and physically weak. Her personality was quiet. She no longer roared, she was different. Alzheimer’s had her. She didn’t know me. Didn’t know she had a daughter. I sat with her. Told her that I knew her daughter. Told her that her daughter was a good person. Told her that her daughter was someone she would like. Tears flowed down my checks as I whispered “ I forgive you”. It hurt!
She seemed to register nothing of which was being said. It was time for me to leave. I went and hugged her. A cry came out of my mouth. My heart broke. The tears came crashing down! I said “I love you”… and for a second or maybe less( if that’s possible… ) with her arms around me… she whispered “I love you too”. I forgave her in that instant,on a level I did not know forgiveness could go to. I was suddenly lighter in weight. Gods plan was more than sufficient, it was perfect.
Yesterday she was brought to my home for a visit. I haven’t seen her since the funeral. Only months later and Alzheimer’s has changed her and not for the better. Who she was is no longer a resident in that body, who she could have been seems to be in there somewhere. As she was sitting in the truck preparing to leave I walked up to the door and said “goodbye”. Realizing that the mother I knew her to be is gone, the mother I wanted her to be can never exist and the memories of the mother I had is all that is left. She looked up and looked me straight in the eye and said “ you are beautiful”… “you are a beautiful person”… “I’ll see you again”
In that moment I knew that God had me!
You see, I am whole in God and have known this for years now. I am loved by the best, because God loves me. I am Gods child! However, somewhere that little girl that lived in constant fear and went through hell as a child still needed closure. She needed to hear words that my adult self thought were impossible.
With God nothing is impossible.
I’m living my life on Gods terms. It’s a journey and one that I’m grateful for.
I’m no longer broken by a mother that was broken by her mother… I still use some tape and glue to keep it all together. I am however, a child of God who has learned a valuable lesson. Surrendering to God is the way! He may not come when you want him but he’s always right on time.
God bless and thank you for reading