At work i bust my ass. I work hard. I work to be accurate, the best and minimal to no mistakes. I work to anticipate the needs of my boss ahead of his stating what they are. I work to be better than the job description … To be worthy of the paycheck.
Why?
To keep a roof over the heads of my children and food in their stomach.
To be able to provide some of what my kids want but all of what they need.
To be worthy of that paycheck
To be worthy of that job
To be worthy
To have value
Why?
The first two reasons most people would understand and agree…. It is the ones that follow that have shown me once again how my upbringing impacted my life in negative ways.
My upbringing taught me that I had no worth, no value. The mind of a child is still developing and doesn’t complete that development according to some Drs until age 21. I thought my existence was a punishment and I had to work for the one thing that should be free….Love.
That though process changed me in ways that I often fail to realize. I will do whatever is needed to be the overachiever: stay late, arrive early, (salary pay) , change my personal schedule to accommodate business needs, learn what my bosses responsibilities are so that we don’t skip a beat in his absence. Multitask: performing more than is required at once which often puts me in over load. Rushing because I feel I’m too slow. Beating myself up mentally when I make a mistake or forget something. Please… don’t let my boss point out a mistake…. My day is over! Mentally I dissociate, my disappointment, overwhelming because I disappointed someone who has control over the one thing I need… my pay check!
I’m human, born to be loved, celebrated because… I AM and that is enough! I am going to make mistakes. Everyone does. I don’t have to over exhaust to be seen, to be appreciated, to be.
I remind myself daily that I’m enough.. some days I know this, other days I go back to what’s comfortable: exhausting myself. Knowledge is key.
I share this to say … YOU ARE ENOUGH! You don’t have to give more than you can to anyone or anything. Giving more than you are capable of will leave you empty, exhausted and sad. Each day take inventory of yourself. Take a moment to check in with you. If you feel like you are giving too much to the point the anxiety and depression and fear is rising … stop… breathe and know people are capable of much but not if they have depleted all they have to give.
You will be ok… How do I know? My worst day of dealing with this was 4 weeks ago… and I’m sharing this today 4 weeks later. This will most likely never go away completely but it has brought me closer to understanding myself which is the goal especially for those who’s childhood experiences define them.
YOU ARE ENOUGH!
Sending love and encouragement always!
Touched2mysoul