Ok, so you’ve met this man or woman and they are amazing! Rockets are going off, birds are singing, and you think the heavens have finally heard your prayers! The feeling of new love is an exhilarating experience.
Fast forward a few months. You still feel this person is special and you may even be in love… but… there are things that don’t match up … they are late when they say they are going to meet up with you. They don’t answer your texts as quickly as before. They don’t call as often. But by all definitions and conversations you’ve had with this person, you are a couple…now is where many make a mistake…
Because of the concerns you have, you now are starting to sneak and checking their phones… asking where are you going? Who are you going to be hanging out with? What time are you going to call me?
As an adult, you have a choice for the actions of you and you only! As an adult, who is involved with another adult, you CANT control what they do by checking up on them or making them check in with you all the time. You can’t change their basic self. Remember THEY are an adult too! However, keep in mind there are many who look like adults but still have immature behavior… and that’s ok.. we all develop at a different rate.
So let’s change a few things about this scenario: before you even meet this person know yourself: What do you want a relationship for? What do you bring to a relationship? Are you someone who is 100% honest? Are you an effective communicator? Are you someone who can be all in or do you keep others on the side, just in case? Are you independent? Or do you need to depend on someone for certain things? What are those things? Are your expectations of a partner realistic or based on some fantasy you’ve held since your childhood? Do you need someone to love you? Or do you love yourself already in-spite of others? What are your standards? Is cheating ok? Would you cheat? Do you have something to hide? Do you need a relationship or just would like one? A relationship starts with you. Who you are? What you bring to it? What your standards are? And what you are willing to compromise on.
Ok so you’ve answered those questions … now let’s try this again: You’ve met this person and the birds are singing, you feel like heaven has answered your prayers. Great right? This is where you need to slow down… remember who you are. Remember your standards. This is where you need to start to discuss your standards. Example: if cheating is a deal breaker.. say that. Being transparent is key! Being authentic is key!
You may be thinking well if I’m so transparent this person may not continue seeing me…
guess what…. if that’s true don’t you want to know now? Before months or years go by? The point of dating is to find someone who’s values you share, who can accept you just as you are and vice versa.
If you are up front and tell the other person exactly what your standards and expectations are, you give them the opportunity to decide for themselves if this relationship is for them… now, also know you are also giving them the opportunity to start to lie to try and meet those expectations.
So how do you know which is happening? Time! Time reveals all! If the person is really who they say they are… time will show that. If they aren’t.. time will show that too. Most important, if a deal breaker situation shows up for you after you have informed them of what your standards are… get out! Example: you explained in the beginning that you don’t believe in cheating on someone.. your thought process is that you would end a relationship first before cheating. However, now you found out this person you are involved with cheated …. leave! You can forgive but never forget!
You may be thinking if you use this though process with everything you will never have a relationship. No, thats not true… but if you tell another adult about the standards you have for yourself, meaning what you expect, and what you give to others, and they break that… they are the ones who created an issue. Think about it… they are an adult! Do you really have time to monitor an adult? How nice it will be, to be in a relationship where you know that the other persons standards match yours, not because you are demanding them, but because their standards are who they are. Their standards are what they live by, regardless of who they are in a relationship with!
Let that marinate for a moment in your thinking.
I am by no means a relationship expert… I’m just asking could there be a different perspective to look at ourselves and relationships?
At the end of the day we control the drama and what shows up in our lives… most of us have enough going on with bills, work, children, family… etc. if we approach relationships being authentic and we are able to get that in return .. that’s one less area of drama we will have.
Please comment. Let me know your thoughts
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