I have chopped up memories of my being a child. When I think of my childhood. The first feeling that comes up is fear. Afraid to remember. It’s like flashes of another person’s life. There was a crib and I remember standing in it looking out of the room into the hallway. I remember the mattress was made of plastic and had a stiching in it that went in circles and squiggly lines. I don’t have a time line to follow my childhood. I was younger for somethings I remember and I was older for others. What I do remember quite well was shame, fear, embarrassment, pain.. lots and lots of pain. Blood, anger, feeling stupid, wanting to die, wanting to be someone else, knowing that I was unwanted. That … being unwanted was a feeling and knowledge I knew then and still know now even at my age. I recognize it like an old friend. It feels different now but it’s still there…. its always there. As a child I was so confused by reality and my mother’s mind that I truly didn’t know one from the other. I tried so hard to figure out who I was through her. The only thing I came up with was “I should have been flushed, Monkeys are cute and it would be so easy to just kill me”. I know I was stupid, not cool and I felt awkward everywhere I went. Even alone I was awkward and would be mad at myself while trying to play with toys because I thought I was doing it wrong. So I stopped playing. I felt dumb playing with toys…
I remember once crying or being sad about something or having done something to upset mother and the punishment was I had to wear a diaper out in public. I was in grade school. She made me lay on the bed so she could put the diaper on me and we left the house.
I remember an evening where I has been in my room. I had a desk that had an entire encyclopedia and 2 book dictionary on it. I had lowered the desk part so I could write on it. I placed a candle on an index card and lit it. It was so pretty the candle. My mother called me downstairs and said let’s go for a ride. The whole ride she told me how I should be dead. She was tired of me. I was a problem which oddly enough I knew I was a problem. I hated that I was not wanted. She talked about how she could just get rid of me. She drove me to a Forrest or a large field away from civilization. Said she would leave me there and no one would ever find me. She made me get out the car and she drove off. Leaving me put there alone. I was so afraid. It was so dark. I thought what should I do. Where was I? Would anyone find me? What if someone found me? I would do anything please don’t leave me? I would do whatever she wanted I could be a better child. I could make my dad not like me..I knew I could just don’t leave me put here…. the thoughts … the fears.. that familiar feeling of dread in my stomach was back… I was so scared I just stood there crying… everything ine screaming come back I can be a better bad kid. I promise can be better at making my dad not like me….
She came back… lights on the car as she backed it up. I wanted to be saved but at the same time I wanted to die… I got back in the car… listened as she told me all the reasons why I wasn’t worth it… we drove home. Parked in the back of the house I noticed my bedroom windows were open and the lights were on.
Apparently the candle had set the room on fire. It didn’t burn the house down just caused some damage to the room. I never told my dad what had just happened…. I never told anyone….